I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize