dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
