i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i think i have two assholes
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
