hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
