what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
