He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
