Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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