Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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