My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
