i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
