I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
