Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
