I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
