Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
