I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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