May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
