i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize