I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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