I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
