My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
