he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize