You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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