Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
