Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
