I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
