my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Randomize
