My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
