Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
