May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
