I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I want to fling myself into the sun
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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