can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
My feet surprised me
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