I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize