Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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