He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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