1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Can I color on your dick again?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
