I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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