hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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