1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
