apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
