i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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