If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
