We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
