watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
