So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
