saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
