Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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