We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
