Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
