I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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