When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize