apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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