Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
