im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
