Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize