i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
