they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
