The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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