Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
