I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
