She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
