my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
