we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
