bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
