I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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