There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize