well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
