I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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