Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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